The Pentagon can't pass an audit—and that's a good thing!

Marvel fans and foreign policy hawks agree

This is the first article in a new weekly column of mine—more on that later.

Failed, Again.

The Pentagon failed its annual independent financial audit for the seventh year in a row.

The most successful military in modern history is supposedly as meticulous as they come. And yet billions keep on disappearing, and military officials only offer bland comments about it being a “big department”.

Yeah, right. Do any of us truly believe this trillion-dollar powerhouse can topple overseas regimes but not manage its invoices? The Pentagon isn’t just losing track of receipts or forgetting to mention the occasional advanced missile system.

No, the Pentagbon is acting shady. And that gives me hope.

Movie Experience

Because I reckon the small fortunes that disappear each year are being put to good use. I’ve watched enough superhero movies to know there are always shadowy government forces at work.

The 67% of Americans who call themselves Marvel fans surely know what I’m talking about.

Most of the time, these secret special forces are equipped with some next-level weaponry. Every time the Pentagon loses a billion dollars, I know they’re probably repairing the S.H.I.E.L.D. Helicarrier.

I’m happy there are secret forces working to protect this planet from crazy sci-fi style threats. Once again, I’m not alone in that thinking. According to a singular study (my favorite kind to quote), over 46% of Americans see UFOs as a minor or major threat.

Foreign Policy Hawks

Still, it’s not all space aliens and superheroes. Here’s a slightly more grounded argument for all the sensible foreign policy hawks who read this publication (don’t be shy).

Put yourself in the shoes of a five-star general. You’re tasked with the incredibly important role of protecting American sovereignty and improving defense capabilities. Peace through strength, as the adage goes.

Your top scientists and military minds are developing some new force field defense thing (that’s the technical term). Do you:

a) Tell everyone what you’re building in a press release
b) Keep it secret but show auditors & release costs in an annual report
c) Keep it secret and hide it from auditors

The third option seems like the smartest, right?

Sure, we’re not faxing the results of an audit to the Kremlin or anything. However, there are 1600 outside auditors who review the Pentagon each year, and every person adds danger.

Who could forget the incessant spying and double agents that plagued the infamous Manhattan Project?

Moral Justification

Morally, it’s no different from the Official Secrets Act. As a government agency, the Department of Defense has a moral imperative to act in our best interest. Sometimes that means a little secrecy and the odd hush payment.

I can guarantee China, Iran, and North Korea aren’t publishing the costs of any secret projects. Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire.

Look, here’s another thing for all you silly “open government” audit lovers. Failing the yearly audit actually demonstrates heroic honesty by the Pentagon.

The military could just fudge the papers to hide whatever shady plans they’ve put together. Instead, they remind us year after year of the need to keep some things secret.

Keep Failing!

Whether you’re a Marvel fan, aliewatcher, or foreign policy hawk, we’re united in our support for the Pentagon audit “oopsies”.

The “disappearing defense dollar trick” keeps our enemies guessing and our armies secure. It’s strategic genius from the Pentagon.

That’s why senators offer only token protests each year, and the media give it a mere passing mention. Untracable defense spending is the dirty trick we use to protect this country. It might be illiberal, but it’s not going to stop anytime soon.

Auditors will keep trying to balance the books, and the Pentagon will continue to write the important stuff in invisible ink.

Can’t wait for them to fail again next year.

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What On Earth Was That?

This was the first article in a new series called Hill To Die On or Devils Advocate (to be honest, I’m still workshopping the name). Essentially, I pick a random political position and proceed to argue it ferociously.

Most of the time, I probably don’t agree with whatever I’m saying. But my job, as the self-appointed defense attorney for political ideas—bit of a mouthful, but it looks good on business cards—is to give it my best shot.

Every Friday, I’ll be releasing an article in this series arguing intensely for whatever political flavor I’m feeling. All in 700 words or less.

I had a real blast writing that article, and I’m excited to be back with more. Challenging myself to genuinely consider different viewpoints has been a real eye-opener.

I’ve always considered myself a critical thinker, but now I’m starting to genuinely act like one. If you want to challenge yourself and explore new ideas, I’d love to have you on board.

Until next time, stay sharp and stay open-minded.

Yours critically,
Leonard
The Biased Journalist